VERSE 1 Here I am again No luck Wonder will it ever end But I'm stuck where I don't wanna be Nobody can help me So I just. gotta. breathe. *sigh* I wish you knew But no-one, knows what I go through on a daily basis so ima make a statement that'll maybe explain why my face is vacent my asshole, just won't wipe. And when I say it won't wipe, I mean, it won't wipe and I wipe so hard, I just try so hard and I cry so hard until I see stars Sitting. for hours. by myself This song is my cry for help I'm a fucking mess, it just ain't right how can I do it for so long and the paper won't go white It just doesn't make sense. I don't get it I should have never come here, I regret it but it's too late now I dug my own grave when I sat down CHORUS Been here all day I'm not okay I need help I need help On my own on my ceramic throne I need help I need help VERSE 2 What would you do in the si -uation that you're nearly finished, you think that's it then lickety split, you need another shit Do you give in, or do you commit Do you say fuck it, do you suck it back up in to your stomach with the muscles in the buttocks Or do you say fuck it and suddenly summon some trouble in the shape of a squashed chocolate muffin Either way, neither will help my day Cause I just can't keep my brown at bay I'm 2 flushes in already, in one sitting I'll need therapy when I'm done shitting To my mom, my dad, and all my friends I'm not convinced, that this will ever end so Don't get sad, don't get upset but I still have a poo that iI haven't even done yet CHORUS Been here all day I'm not okay I need help I need help On my own on my ceramic throne I need help I need help

VERSE 1 Everywhere I look, people look like they just stood on a shit They turned their frown upside down then they turned it around again Everybody lookin' like they got a problem And they do. They live in Scotland. Where the sky's always grey, and it's always raining So the conversation's always about the rain But hey that's okay because the summer's comin' But wait that's worse 'cos we complain that it's like an oven What am I to say about my population When they all look like they're halfway through a castration It's amazing what you see on the streets of Glasgow It's got all the rotten people god didn't want on his rock SO he squashed them all in one spot SO every day on the train there's an Onslaught of Scots who are the opposite of hot And it doesn't stop there, when you get out the train station there's Women with children looking angry as fuck Small dogs whos' walkers look angry as fuck There's adolescents together who are out to have fun And guess what? they look angry as fuck You never know who you can talk to and if you choose wrong You get stabbed. So there's that. Best just not to interact. That seems to be what we've adapted to So you better keep your head down, look at the ground And if you wanna look around then put on a frown You wanna seem as uninviting as possible That way, fighting is optional I've found that if you talk to your phone people don't wanna bother you You're left alone in solitude Unless they want your phone. In which case you're fucked PRE-CHORUS Good looking Scotts. Where have you gone? Please come back. Gerard Butler. CHORUS Pretty girls are everywhere but not over here They're not in Scotland.  No - oh, oh - oh Good looking people are everywhere but not over here They're not in Scotland.  No - oh, oh - oh VERSE 2 Back to how ugly we are, I was in the bar, and I saw A man who's nose was a clone of a mole-rat And he was so fat, it shows that He won't, make it to Christmas That's because half of the country is packed with pubs and kebab shops So people are eatin Justin Bieber haggis and Mars bars that have been deep Fried. That's not a lie by the way. And that's why the people you see are a bit of bacon away From a heart seizure. Teresa May looks like an evil genius but not that smart, and a little bit uglier And she's the chika who's been deemed our leader? She couldn't lead a penis Anywhere near her You got a droopy face, you could do with a Jason mask Or a bag with a happy face drawn on Scotland got voted the most beautiful country on Earth That is the funniest thing I've heard since birth So Ima put the facts straight so you can make an educated Decision if you wanna visit Glasgow Central Station smells like shit So, we know how repulsive all the citizens are But what about the scenery? and beautiful greenery? Maybe if you go to the middle of nowhere Like Tony Blair, and just hang with the goats there Not much to do, which is all well and good Until it's written in the stars: Deep fried Mars bar Green is pretty. The rest is shitty But I want a chippy, So I'm headed to the city. Off the train, greeted by the smell of ass Onto the street, stepping over broken glass Lookin at the walls, top to bottom in graffiti Walking on the grass steppin' over Strongbow cans I gotta get off these streets and cheer myself up Find inner peace, so I head to the pub, Then I'll get some grub Get a deep fried ice cream or somethin PRE-CHORUS Good looking Scots. Where have you gone? Please come back. James Macavoy CHORUS Handsome gents are everywhere but not over here They're not in Scotland.  No - oh, oh - oh Good looking people are everywhere but not over here They're not in Scotland.  No - oh, oh - oh

VERSE 1 I'm a real lucky guy I feel like I can fly I'll be happy till I die 'Cos I know how to creamify ice That's right I'm a delight And I Might seem nice On a Friday night But when I'm in my whites I'm the Ice-Cream Knight I'm fighting the fight in the middle of the night So people can eat ice cream Homogenized and pasteurized Nice and creamy, that's my dream What about you, what do you do I bet it's shit! I bet it's not as good as me I bet you deal with accounts, whatever you would call that An accountant? Yeah. Or I bet you're something meaningless Like a hardware engineer or perhaps You're a classified biological scientist OHHHH what a mistake you've made I'm over here makin' rum and raisin, bitch and it doesn't stop there bitch, I can even make a sorbet!! CHORUS I'm the Ice Cream Man x8 AFTER-CHORUS You better watch out. There's more of us than you think You better watch out. We'll make you fat in a blink VERSE 2 Suits, look, good. That's why there's so many on every commute, okay, Suits, look, smart. But they're not as comfortable as a set of whites are. Oh what's that? You work from home and eat snacks As you're a marketer, and you work on a mac I don't see how a mac can make ice cream So that doesn't really matter to me Who needs dolla's when you got the knowledge to make a beautiful product I'm a mother fuckin' prophet and I make ice cream any time I want when I'm told to I just go do it You see how powerful I am? I don't even need to make up my own mind man I got a boss to do that for me Welcome to my world of glory CHORUS I'm the Ice Cream Man x8

INTRO Hello. Welcome to the song. This one is gonna be about teeth, and how I would like to keep my teeth, rather than loose them all. I'm sure you'll be able to relate to the message in this song. CHORUS I don't wanna loose my teeth. I need them to eat these sweets. I don't wanna loose my munchers I need them to take any punches I don't wanna loose my teeth. I like to grind them in my sleep I don't wanna loose the ones at the bottom Cuz I need them to open my bottles VERSE 1 So let me take you back to the beginning Imagine me except I'm 3 and it's Halloween And I'm about to go out and check this Halloween thing out For the first time, in my life, and I'm excited Dressed up like Scooby, Lookin to get a snack Going to the door like fill my bag With sweets. Anything will do, I'm not fussy, I'm three. And they said.. "Hey little man, you better beware There's a whole lot of sugar in your bag there And if you're not careful you're gonna get an earful From the dentist when you go, so you better take it slow, or Just. Don't. Eat it. All. At once. And I said, I'm 3. I barely have a grasp on the English language, so ima go Ahead and eat the whole bag SKETCH And so I did. I ate the whole bag of sweets. And I enjoyed it too. 20 years later and I still eat sweets. I mean, I'm not mad, I still like the taste, but, you know, it's just not good. CHORUS I don't wanna loose my teeth. I need them to eat these sweets. I don't wanna loose my munchers I need them to take any punches I don't wanna loose my teeth. I like to grind them in my sleep I don't wanna loose the ones at the bottom Cuz I need them to open my bottles VERSE 2 Let's kick some facts. I got one tooth missing at the back And I don't wanna brag but the rest of my teeth are actually not bad But how long will it stay that way, cuz at the rate that cakes get ate I'm contemplating how my weight has stayed the same for all my days I got a lot of fillings though. top left, top right, bottom left, bottom right They're kinda like everywhere. But I don't really care, cuz when I smile it looks like my teeth are all still there, I want teeth like Elon. I gotta get the dentist he got Elon, will you pay to get my teeth fixed? Will you pay for the treatment so I can eat shit? DAMN THAT MAN HAS REAL NICE TEETH! DAMN THAT MAN HAS SPOTLESS TEETH! I WOULD PAY FOR FRONT ROW SEATS! JUST TO SEE HIS PERFECT TEETH! DAMN THAT MAN HAS WONDERFUL TEETH! DAMN THAT MAN HAS MAGIC TEETH! I WOULD PAY FOR FRONT ROW SEATS! JUST TO SEE HIS TEETH! Sugar stops your cock from growing bigger! And I got addicted so go figure! NAH I'm just kidding I got a HUGE dick! And Ima crush Elon Musk with it if he doesn't cough up The name or the number of the business that did his teeth. CHORUS Well that sure was an adventure wasn't it. We discussed how I didn't wanna loose my teeth. The damage I've done to my teeth, and also proposed a means to bring my teeth back to good health. I hope you have enjoyed the song, and that you enjoy whatever's on next

VERSE 1 I put on my best clothes To impress hoe's fo' sho' Got them socks with the red toes Some long legged jeans 'cos my legs cold I put my vest on, my V-neck Got that flesh showing A Fedora, my friend goes "Whachu got that on yo head fo'" Okay maybe ditch the hat, it don't matter I have a plan B I have a big fat jacket that's Made out of fucking rabbits Let's hop to it, let's pop a bottle and do it So we walked to the shop and bought a bottle of lager Bottoms up We get in the taxi, sit in the backseat My seat belt I'm fastening Take me to a bar on the back street The one called The Black Tree and After he agreed Me and my friend high fived each other We do this all the time it's like we're brothers We finished our drinks in the back of the car Then we stumbled out when we got to the bar We entered the place, nearly got Beheaded with bass, we Sped up the pace and got ahead of the race Some dude offered me a drink and I said no I said to his face CHORUS I DRINK! TO GET DRUNK! BUT NOT TOO DRUNK! COS THAT'S DANGEROUS I DRINK! TO GET FUCKED THE FUCK UP! BUT NOT TOO MUCH COS IT'S BAD FOR MY HEALTH! I DRINK! TO GET DRUNK! BUT NOT TOO DRUNK! BECAUSE IT'S NOT A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE! I DRINK! TO GET FUCKED THE FUCK UP! BUT NOT TOO MUCH COS I WANNA LIVE A LONG AND HEALTHY LIFE WITHOUT ANY MAJOR HEALTH IMPLICATIONS CAUSED BY ALCOHOL INTAKE VERSE 2 So there I was, with this dude in my face, saying to "take a drink"  I told him that I'd think about it but I didn't Because I knew that I didn't wanna Because I knew what I needed was a glass of water I've already had a bottle, 330ml I don't need another bottle yet man, chill Ima sip on my water. Chew on my ice. And if you don't do the same, then you'll pay the price Maybe after 2 more waters I'll be ready To get myself another beer. This could get messy. 2 more waters and one beer later, and I'm totally fucked I don't know where I am or where I've been or who I am What the fuck is going on? I am completely gone. I can't hear anything over this song That's when it dawned on me that that was the problem Cos when I asked for a glass of water. He thought I said vodka CHORUS I DRINK! TO GET DRUNK! BUT NOT TOO DRUNK! COS THAT'S DANGEROUS I DRINK! TO GET FUCKED THE FUCK UP! BUT NOT TOO MUCH COS IT'S BAD FOR MY HEALTH! I DRINK! TO GET DRUNK! BUT NOT TOO DRUNK! BECAUSE IT'S NOT A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE! I DRINK! TO GET FUCKED THE FUCK UP! BUT NOT TOO MUCH COS I FEEL THAT THE LONG TERM NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION OUTWEIGH THE SHORT TERM BUZZ!

INTRO If only, I lived all alonely Then I, would write, The greatest Song of all time VERSE 1 I was just about to write, The greatest song of all time It was gonna blow your fucking mind If you'd have heard it, you'd have went blind But my mom is due back in a couple of hours And I just do not think that I have the power to Knock one out before she gets home The worst part is, she won't even phone To let me know she's close, so, I guess, The greatest song of all time will have to wait. To wait CHORUS If only, I lived all alonely Then I, would write, The greatest Song of all time It'll have drums, and guitar, bass and a choir, piano and a flute, Triangle. Accordion, recorder, and an organ. It'll have it all, but it won't have bagpipes. Because it's to be the greatest song of all- VERSE 2 But not now, I got a lot to do. Not a lot of time, mom's back soon. The kitchen's lookin' shit,gotta deal with it. Tryin'na put the pans back but they won't fit [SKETCH] Like, I dunnow how the fuck I'm gonna put these pans back, I dunnow how they all fit in here in the first place. They're just not going in. VERSE 2 CONTINUED Letters are scattered all over the floor, I haven't touched them since they came in the door My pubes are scattered all over the bath, I gotta get that before she's back Also there's a lot of clothes needing washed And I gotta go to the shops to restock on food, How will I do it!? I won't. Ima wright a song instead. All those problems can go to the back of my head All the mess can get put in the back of the shed I'd rather write a song about a song instead That's what I'll doooo That sounds gooood If only I knew when she's due back But I don't so I don't waste time. Writing in the night time Daytime I'm adding to my waistline And that's the case when she's away There's a song I wanna sing for the whole of America And I need a haircut, but first CHORUS If only, I lived all alonely Then I, would write, The greatest Song of all time It'll have trumpets and saxophones Violins and trombones. Banjos, and a bass drop. And a marching band. It'll have everything and it'll be the greatest song of all time